101 Ways to Defeat the Dark Lord
by Tassel630
Summary: 101 ways Deathly Hallows might have ended, had J.K. Rowling felt a bit more... shall we say... strange. Series of unrelated oneshots. Some OOC. Hence 'Parody'.  TEMPORARY HIATUS
1. The BoyWhoJustWon'tDie

**Disclaimer: I, as previously implied, am a crazy insane idiotic weirdo. J.K. Rowling is not.**

BOING!

Voldemort's curse, intended for Molly Weasley, rebounded off of an extremely powerful shield charm. "Huh? What?" He looked around in confusion. Harry Potter was emerging from under his invisibility cloak.

"Nooooo! My master plan has failed! How could this happen? They've ALWAYS worked before!" He turned dramatically to glare at Harry. "GAH!" he screeched. "WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE, YOU IDIOT?! I'VE SHOT THAT STUPID EXCUSE FOR A KILLING CURSE AT YOU FOUR TIMES AND HIT YOU WITH IT TWICE! _ WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET?!"_

Harry shrugged. "I'm special."

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted. Harry fell to the ground. Many people gasped, and Voldemort opened his mouth to yell in triumph, but Harry sat up, rubbing the back of his head.

"Man, that hurt. Oh, and that's three."

"Huh?"

"Three times you've hit me with that curse."

"GAH!" Voldemort said again. "Avada Kedavra!"

"Four. And you know, that's getting kind of annoying."

"Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort screamed, advancing with each curse until he was right in Harry's face.

"Five. Six. Seven. Eight." Harry said after each one. Voldemort shoved his wand into Harry's chest.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Harry blinked.

"Nine."

"GAH!" Voldemort yelled a third time. "WHY – WON'T – YOU – DIE – STUPID – BOY?!" he shrieked, whacking Harry over the head with his wand with each word. Then he glared at his wand. "WHY WON'T YOU KILL HIM, YOU STUPID WAND?!" he screamed at it, then furiously snapped it in half over his knee. "YOU USELESS OLD STICK! YOU WORTHLESS DECEIVING PATHETIC UNWORTHY - "

He paused for a moment and glanced down at Harry, who was pointing his wand up at Voldemort's face. Voldemort blinked.

"Oh, crap."

**A/N: Happy Christmahanakwanzica! If you want to give me a present, a review for my first ever fanfic would be fantastic! I will reply to every review I get unless its anonymous, and every one is appreciated - even negative ones. (Don't refrain from criticism because you're afraid I'll take it badly. I'll appreciate it.)**


	2. Saying the Magic Words Properly

**A/N: Whoa, what's this?! Two updates in two days?! (Even if they're in different fandoms.) And so here, six months later, is the extension of The Defeat of Lord Voldemort. Updates will be coming pretty quick (because otherwise I'll be murdered by Twilight fans for abandoning them for so long), but this will be one of the longer chapters... be looking for something more the length of the last one.**

**Also remember that this is unrelated to all the other chapters except that Voldie dies in all of them. XD**

**Warning: Randomness may ensue.**

**Disclaimer: **

**Once, I read a great book**  
**And so its characters I took  
That's why I'm here  
So at me don't leer  
I'm not J.K. Rowling - just look!**

"_Well, that was unusual," Harry said as he sat up, rubbing his scar._

"_What is it?" Hermione asked anxiously._

"_I went into Vol – "_

"_Taboo!" shouted Ron._

"_Fine then. I went into _You-Know-Who_'s head again," Harry said, and he recounted what he had seen._

* * *

Voldemort stomped into the meeting room in an unusually extra-bad mood, Yaxley trailing him and Nagini around his shoulders.

"My Lord," said Bellatrix, rushing up to him. "What has happened?"

Voldemort glared at them all before opening his mouth.

"I found this weird book this one time  
Said Malfoy, 'It's simply sublime!'  
Turns out Malfoy was cursed  
And things turned for the worse  
Now I'm doom-ed forever to rhyme!"

* * *

_Hermione winced at Voldemort's poor poetry, and Ron's eyes grew very large. "Harry!" he said excitedly. "Harry – it's that book I told you about in second year! _Sonnets of a Sorcerer_! The one that makes you speak in limericks for the rest of your life!"_

_As Harry was recovering from the shock of having Ron tell him about a book, another vision engulfed him._

* * *

Several of the Death Eaters had passed out from the shock of having Lord Voldemort, The Dark Lord, their Master, the Evilest Wizard Of All Time, maker of more Horcruxes than any other wizard, (although they didn't know that part,) _rhyme _at them. Even Bellatrix was looking a bit woozy, and had grabbed his arm to steady herself. He shook her off and snapped, "Get off of me, woman!"

His eyes widened in dismay as he realized that he had to make a limerick once he started talking. Hesitantly – and rather randomly – he finished,

"The table has some gum on,  
The walls are white,  
You're green with fright,  
And Malfoy is really a dumb 'un!"

Narcissa frantically tried to scrape the gum off the table. Bellatrix turned red, obscuring her previous green color. Dolohov called out, "But, My Lord, you can't – " Voldemort silenced him with a glare. "End a sentence with a preposition," Dolohov finished, mumbling to the table.

Yaxley faked interest. "Anything else you'd like to point out, Dolohov? It didn't rhyme right?"

"Actually, that's called slant rhyme – " He stopped, as all the other Death Eaters – at least, the conscious ones – were howling with laughter.

Voldemort opened his mouth to call for silence, but caught himself in the nick of time. He waved his wand, and a hot pink ribbon flew out, twisting itself into the word 'silence.' He frowned up at it, his eyebrows pulling together – or rather, his bare eye-ridges. He flicked his wand angrily, and the ribbon disappeared with a loud _BANG!_

He beckoned to Yaxley and Dolohov; they followed him into the hall.

"Now your loyalty you must show  
For this is a terrible foe  
An intelligence burst  
To lift this curse  
To the library you must go!"

"No, Master!" Yaxley screamed, falling to his knees. "Not the library!"

Dolohov silenced him with a flick of his wand. Yaxley continued to grovel silently. "So we must look for a way to lift the curse?" Dolohov asked.

Voldemort nodded, greatly amused by Yaxley's horror. As the two men left, Dolohov dragging Yaxley by the ear, Voldemort stroked Nagini's head and said,

"SSSsSSSsSSSsssssS  
ssSSSsSSssssSSSsss  
SSSssSSsS  
ssSsSsssSs  
SsssSSSSSssSSssSs"

Which translates to:

"Of all who helped me gain power  
At you alone I won't glower  
For you'll not think less  
Of my bad rhyming mess  
Even if I turn into a flower!"

Nagini gave him a weird look and slithered away.

He growled with annoyance. Actually, it sounded a bit like this:

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  
Grrrrrrrrrr  
Grrrrrrrrrr  
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

He stomped back into the room... and found most of the Death Eaters waltzing to _Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. _They all quickly sat down as he entered, and he waved his wand to turn off the iPod in the speaker. He glared at them as he said,

"Here's the plan to kill Potter, _not _a Sinfonia  
We'll go to the Crescent of Magnolia  
Wait 'till he comes out  
I'll give a great shout  
And we'll all – "

He was cut off by a shout of, "Diffindo!" A certain boy wizard was standing in the doorway with his wand pointed at the humongous chandelier – or at least, where the humongous chandelier used to be, as it was falling. "Wingardium Leviosa!" Voldemort tried to say, except that he hadn't finished his limerick yet. Forced to rhyme, it sounded more like, "Wingardium Lefolia!"

He landed on the floor with a very angry buffalo on his chest.

**A/N: "And saying the magic words properly is very important as well. Never forget Wizard Boruffo, who said 's' instead of 'f,' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest." Obviously Voldemort should have paid more attention to Flitwick in Charms class.**

**butterfinger45 is my awesome beta who is reading over my shoulder as I type this Author's Note.**

**Review! I'm open to suggestions! Open to them... will use them... begging for them... I need 101 Ways to kill Voldemort here, and while I have quite a few planned out, I need some help from you guys! (Note: I'll give you credit if I use your idea.)**


	3. Asphixiation

**A/N: Hello! I apologize profusely for the long period of time it took to get this chapter out. The reason for that was that I went on two, back-to-back, zero computer access vacations (literally back-to-back), and as soon as I got home, we decided to redo the office, rendering the computers unusable. And then Breaking Dawn came out. (Eleven hours and two minutes of reading, baby. 30 hours awake straight. 16 hours of sleep afterward. True statistics.) BUT, to bribe you to forgive me - yes, it's a bribe, I won't deny it - this will be a TRIPLE update. Yes, you read right. TRIPLE. The next chapter will be up as soon as I finish typing it. (Don't worry, It's already written, just have to transfer it from looseleaf to computer.)  
**

**Italiangurlinamessedupworld: Sorry, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. XD**

**Disclaimer: (points wand at self) Rowling-ify! (blinkblink) Dang.**

"Does the wand in your hand know its last master was Disarmed? Because if it does... I am the true master of the Elder Wand." Harry knew that he had milliseconds before Voldemort tried to use the Killing Curse of him _yet again_, and in that tiny moment, he made a split-second decision.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Rictusempra!"

Voldemort fell heavily to the floor.

...Laughing his head off, as Harry had just hit him with the Tickling Charm..

There was a moment of stunned silence as the crown watched the Dark Lord nearly crying with laughter on the floor. Then Luna spoke. "You know, this reminds me of a rather good joke I heard the other day." Ignoring the strange stares directed at her, she continued, "What's packed with flowers and full of danger?"

"Greenhouse Three?" a brave second year guessed.

Luna shook her head. "The Forbidden Florists."

There was a small, appreciative chortle from those watching, but Voldemort let out a cackle of mad laughter and began rolling around on the stone floor, stirring up dust.

HONK!

He sneezed with a sound like a foghorn, due to his flat nose, and began laughing even harder.

"We should tell more jokes," Luna commented dreamily. "He'll laugh harder."

"Which side of Fluffy is the best side to stay on?" Ron ventured. "The outside."

"What's the worst?" Ginny countered. "The backside."

Voldemort was on his stomach, pounding the floor with his fist in hysteria.

"What's large, hairy, and has a single Fang?"

"Hagrid!"

"What's huge, leafy, and rather pathetic?"

"The Whimpering Willow!"

"Where do you find Dumbledore's Army?"

"Up his sleevy!"

"What's on Voldemort's barber's floor?"

"The Hair of Slytherin!"

"So that's why he's bald!" someone yelled.

"How many Death Eaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Hermione tried.

"What's a lyte balb?"

"It's – oh, never mind." Hermione sighed.

Unamused by Hermione's Muggle joke, the entire hall fell silent, with Voldemort's very blue face decorating the floor.

**A/N: Sorry about any lameness, lots of stuff going on in my life right now. Nothing serious, don't worry about it. XD**

**Credit for almost all HP jokes goes to another site. I can't post links in a story, so credit is on my profile.**

**Forever thanks to butterfinger45, my beta who insists that it doesn't totally stink, and so I therefore say, "What the heck, I'll post it."**

**The next chapter will be up in just a few minutes!**


	4. The Weapon

**A/N: See, I wasn't lying! Here's the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: My current location: Tracking down one of J.K. Rowling's hairs to use in Polyjuice Potion.**

"You must believe that you have magic that I do not, or else a weapon more powerful than mine?"

"Well, definitely the weapon part, at the very least," Harry nodded.

"You believe that you have a weapon more powerful than the Elder Wand, the Wand of Destiny, the Deathstick?" Voldemort laughed manically. "Why, you foolish boy!"

"I have a weapon far powerful enough to defeat you, Mr. Laughs-strangely. A very _fluffy_ weapon, actually." At that moment, a thunderous bark shook the foundation of the castle. Actually, _three_ loud barks shook the foundation of the castle. The doors from the Entrance Hall flew open with a loud BANG! An enormous, brown, furry form skidded in and reached Voldemort in two huge bounds.

Fluffy's right head seized Voldemort, who was screaming muffled curses – also known as Bloody Murder, as his head was in one of Fluffy's mouths, and his limbs were flailing everywhere. Fluffy's left head then grabbed Voldemort's legs. Fluffy's middle head looked back and forth between its neighbors' tug-of-war over Voldemort, before it decided to split them up with a loud CHOMP.

**A/N: Short, I know. But the next chapter is coming.**

**Butterfinger45 is the attacker-with-red-pen of this story. Oops, I mean the beta.**

**I'm typing the next chapter now! (It's my personal favorite so far!)**


	5. The Mistake

**A/N: Hi.**

**Disclaimer: My current location: Tracking down _Moste Potente Potions_ to MAKE the polyjuice potion with one of J. K. Rowling's hairs.**

"I know things you don't know, Tom Riddle. I know lots of important things that you don't. Want to hear some, before you make another big mistake?"

"Mistake?" Voldemort asked, outraged. He scratched his arm.

"Yeah. Well, your first mistake was trusting a _rat _to restore your body. I mean, did you honestly think Wormtail wouldn't screw _something_ up with that potion?"

Voldemort's eyes widened as he grasped what Harry as saying. However, Harry wasn't done.

"So we figured out what that potion _actually_ is. Turns out the actual ingredients were supposed to be a crone that's been bothered, mesh bought from a merchant, and mud near an amem – anem – anenen – that orange stingy thing clown fish like. Anyway, the result of _your _potion will give you a new body for exactly three years, at which point you develop a bad case of chicken pox and spontaneously combust."

Voldemort paused in the act of scratching his leg. Suddenly, with a sound like a bubble bopping, he became polka-dotted. Well, really, his body just got covered in chicken pox. But he _looked _polka-dotted. Everyone in the hall blinked in unison.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" People were rolling on the floor, _highly _amused by Voldemort's newly speckled visage. He turned red. _Really _red. And he kept getting redder. Aaaaaaaand redder. Aaaaaand redder.

FOOM!

"Ooo, fire pretty!"

**If anyone didn't get it, the ingredients rhyme with the ingredients from HP 4.**

**Butterfinger45 is my beta. And I cannot come up with an awesomer way to say it.**

**Fanfiction's being weird. The review button does something awesome when you push it now.**

**...**

**Now who actually pushed it?**


	6. Better Late than Never

**A/N: And here we are again! A bit later than I was expecting, but not too bad.**

**I have recently discovered, using that wonderful new Reader Traffic feature, that I have readers from as far as Namibia, ****Russia, ****New Zealand, ****India, Poland, Czech Revar, Slovakia, Beljium, and Denmark! A shout out to those nine readers!**

**Disclaimer: I disclaim anyone who thinks I'm J.K. Rowling. I also disclaim anyone who thinks I'm using the verb 'disclaim' correctly.**

_Let the police come... anyone... anything..._

Harry remembered thinking those exact words three years ago, as he stared into the same pale face as he did now. Only this time, he was not afraid. This time, he had Hermione's promise.

"I give you," he roared, "The Muggle Police!"

Nothing happened.

"Ahem... I said... THE MUGGLE POLICE"

Nothing happened. Big surprise.

Harry huffed impatiently, folded his arms, and started tapping his foot.

3621 foot-taps later, the doors burst open, and in streamed... you guessed it... The Very Late Muggle Police.

"About time," Harry muttered. While Hermione had assured him that Muggles would be able to see the _people_ of Hogwarts, they couldn't see the castle itself. Their memories would have to be modified so that they would forget bouncing off what must have been EVERY SINGLE STINKING INVISIBLE-TO-THEM WALL in the Enterance Hall.

Despite their confusion, they were trying to do their job. Singling out Voldemort as a threat, they had him quickly surrounded. Exasperated, Voldemort raised his wand, but one of the policemen totally lost his head and used the first weapon he laid hands on. What was known by Ron as 'the little shooty thingies' of the taser flew out with perfect aim.

Apparently, elder wood does not respond well to electricity.

**A/N: ****Please send in suggestions!! Currently, I'm set until Chapter 13. THAT'S IT. I am in desperate need of help here!**

**The next chapter is already written out, but butterfinger45 - my beta - hasn't gotten ahold of it yet. It's rather short, just to tell you. It's exactly seven sentences. (But I never said the LENGTH of those seven sentences. -shifty eyes-)**

**Did you know the word gullible appears on the screen when you push the review button?**


	7. The Power of RunOn Sentences

**A/N: Gullible! See, I told you it would appear on the screen. I just didn't say _when_. **

**This chapter is short and random, and I am fuming about the sixth Harry Potter movie. And so, I take out my anger on Voldie!**

**Disclaimer: Even if I drank BARRELS of Felix Felicis, I wouldn't own Harry Potter.**

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I shalt defeateth you," he shouted, "with my oh-so-Shakespearean weapon!" And from his magical pocket OF DOOM came... a cap-gun?

It was a cap-gun, alright, the kind with a little orange knob at the end attached to a string.

"POW!" Harry yelled, and pulled the trigger. The resulting eddy of air eventually disrupted some dust, which was blown up someone's nose in India, causing them to sneeze, spreading disease to New York, where someone coughing on a ferris wheel jarred the internal gears of the ride, which caused it to go haywire, the spinning motion of which created a hurricane that traveled to Africa and knocked a tree into the ocean, stirring up a wave that traveled to Britain and made it all the way to Hogwarts Castle, where it encountered a crowd still blinking at the anti-climactic-ness of Harry's _weapon_; the wave swept up Voldemort and just _happened _to carry him to the third-floor cooridor on the right hand side, where it dumped him down a trapdoor and he was conveniently strangled by Devil's Snare. (Phew.)

**A/N: The bad news? The next chapter will take a while, especially as my schedule will be getting very complicated very soon. The good news? It will likely be much longer.**

**Check out my new Harry Potter oneshot!**

**butterfinger45 is the awesome beta whose advice I don't take as often as I probably should.**

**An excerpt from the dictionary: Feel (verb). To be affected by a strong emotion, i.e., love, hatred, or confusion. See also: _review_.**


End file.
